Another late night entry

Ever wondered where the turning point in your life is? I've given it some thought and from what I recall, there are two turning points in my life. The first was when I was about 10 or 11. Miss Yip, my scout teacher denied me the chance to lead as a cadet scout just because during the promotion day, I suffered severe diarrhea and had to head home.

I never questioned her but she promoted a junior over me. I wasn't sour at the fact that I wasn't made second six but it disappointed me that I had to forgo leadership due to something that was beyond my control. Somehow, that made me feel to this day that I have little control over my life.

Which brings me to reason why I enjoy driving so much. Why? Simply because I feel that I'm in control. The destination is determined by me, the route is determined by me and the speed and control of the vehicle is determined by me. Mom once asked me why I enjoyed driving so much. Well, I guess now that I've thought about it for more than 15 years, this is the reason.

My second turning point was when I was retrenched from CNetAsia as GameSpotAsia's Webmaster. My life started going downhill from there. Not financially but rather it affected my self esteem and confidence. Somehow or other, now, I seem to lack confidence in whatever I do always apprehensive of the fact that whatever I can do, someone else can do it better. Of course it's a fact but then, I feel the need to prove myself to myself.

It's ironical but especially in photography, I've always felt that I've got a long way to go. There are encouraging times as well but somehow, I've always felt the need to compare myself to others out there. To see if I can even reach their levels and capability. I've always wanted the best yet I feel that I can never do my best. As the ACS motto goes, "The Best is Yet to Be" and this is definitely affecting me.

I guess instead of keeping up at night thinking of death and what it brings, I should contemplate on how I can live and make my life useful. Find the meaning of "Why I am born", "Why am I here" and "What is my purpose in life". It definitely can't just be to procreate. I have a purpose. I just haven't found out what it is yet. I have a place in this universe. In this consciousness. It's mind boggling and downright disheartening to know that I've yet to discover my purpose and what I want after all these years.

I've lived for the moment before. Seized the day in the past. Often, seizing the day means regretting something later. I've learned to live without regret since it's usually a waste of time. So's gloating by the way. Perhaps I should just concentrate on work.

I feel so alone in this world. Like nobody understands. I'm trying to explain to my loved ones what's going on but the words don't seem to be coming out right. I write here looking for solace and welcome any should it come. I just hope that soon, I will discover it for I don't seem to be able to handle it much longer. Am I a chronic silent depressive? I don't know although I hope that I'm not. Am I whining about my life and how pathetic it is contrary to my previous posts? Perhaps I am, perhaps I'm not. I'm self contradictory I suppose. My what I decide to put down on this page solely depends on my thoughts of the moment.

This might serve as a reminder in the future should I find myself and my purpose what I went through to find it.